Cloverfield
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Attack of the big sea thing.
Paved Roads Causing Global Warming
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By Special Science & Cultural Correspondent
Jon E. Hack
LMA's Jon E. Hack made a special trip to New England where he met with scientists who believe they've stumbled upon the real secret to global warming. Later, in Washington, he spoke with policy makers about the issue.
Like most, the media has made me believe that my daily car rides are causing famine in Africa and spookishly high temperatures around the globe. But, I, like most, refuse to give up my vehicle over something as finicky as carbon emissions. When I'm driving in my Hummer pumping the AC with my windows down, I can honestly say I don't really give a rats ass about Global Warming, but I am becoming a minority.
In a land where Cold War metaphors run rampant, Global Warming is the new Communist, the powerful red beast whose carbon emissions are to blame for all the troubles of the world. Terror's right hand man, if you will.
"The temperature might be going up, but it's not because of our cars," says Truth Seeker and purported communist Michael Schmaid. "Volcanoes release 300 times more carbon emissions into the atmosphere than cars do. We're a drop in the pond. You have to consider other suggestions, such as sun spots or this new asphalt theory. These Globalist nuts keep running "news" stories about icebergs melting so I have to stop driving my car? Seems a little random to me."
“It wouldn't matter if we outlawed all the cars in the world, we'd still have all this asphalt exposed to the sun. Think of all the parts of the earth that used to be covered by plants that are now parking lots."So, is your car the reason Bangkok is sinking or that Calgary no longer gets snow in November? The answer is a resounding "no" according to new scientific research. Or, at least, partially "no." Researchers at New England's prestigious Faulkner Academy say that they've found a direct corolation between the amount of exposed asphalt and the rise in global temperature. Dr. Langen says, "It wouldn't matter if we outlawed all the cars in the world, we'd still have all this asphalt exposed to the sun. Think of all the parts of the earth that used to be covered by plants that are now parking lots. It's no coincidence that we're seeing massive changes in suburban areas where every square foot is being paved."
What researchers in New England have found is that the absorption of the heat by the asphalt effects the average length of heat to day ratio. "What we're finding is that the asphalt keeps the temperature very warm for much longer periods of the day and as a result the earth doesn't cool at night. Much like humans cool down when they sleep at night to conserve energy, the earth is supposed to do the same, but the roads are no longer allowing the Earth that luxury and as a result we're seeing a stressed climate where temperatures are increasingly increasing" chuckles Dr. Libander, one of the leads on this project.
The researchers are suggesting that we consider a new white coloured asphalt that they're developing, or that we go back to cobblestone as the porous brick and rocks perform much more efficiently in the LHD ratio. "We could fix global warming overnight if we just accepted that we have to think about roads a little differently. I honestly thought the car industry would have jumped all over this data by now," continues Dr. Libander.
With these new findings, I headed down the road to Washington where I hoped to open policy maker's eyes, but unfortunately found little support for the new evidence. One Republican whip, who would only speak annonymously, stated "You're going to have better luck convincing Americans that Iran has nukes than convincing them asphalt is killing the seals. "
“Just wait til there's a paved road to every rice farm in China. You think it's hot now?"Another important Green Machine lobbyist said, "Scientific fact is about as important to the Global Warning issue as truth is to politics. You're barking up the wrong tree with all your fact finding." We did gain the sympathetic ear of a Texas Liberetarian who'd already read Dr. Libander's findings. He said, "It makes sense to me. Just wait til there's a paved road to every rice farm in China. You think it's hot now? The Chinese are going to pave 1/3 of their country before the Olympics and my guess is that it's the hottest summer on record. How is the US government going to say that Global Warming is because of roads when America has more asphalt per capita than any other country in the world? We're going to hide Dr. Libander's files way under JFK's, if you know what I mean."
Dr. Libander is supposed to present his finding to the Congressional special subcommittee on climate, but he anticipates that he'll fall on deaf ears. "I'm presenting to an alcoholic, a confessed pot smoker and one gentleman who lied about his army service. The other congressman owns the largest paving company in the MidWest and is under investigation for taking Green lobbyist money. You've got to love a democracy."
You do indeed.
page 02
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Another Christian Rib Tickler
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One Sunday morning, a pastor noticed little Pardeep Duhra was staring at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The plaque was covered with names; there were small American flags mounted on either side of it.
The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy and said quietly, “Good morning, Pardeep.” “Good morning, pastor,” replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.
“Father Asaad Y. Alnajjar, what is this?” Pardeep asked.
“Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.”
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Pardeep’s voice was barely audible when he asked, “Which service Father, the 9:30 or the 11:30?”
“I wouldn’t know”, replied Father Asaad, “This ain’t my parish.”
